The first sound I heard that Saturday morning was glass breaking.
Not the soft crack of a drinking glass falling from a kitchen counter.
This was louder.
A violent metallic impact followed by the unmistakable explosion of tempered glass.
I froze halfway between the kitchen and the front hallway.
For several seconds, I couldn't understand what I was hearing.
The neighborhood had been unusually quiet that morning. My daughter was spending the weekend with her mother, the lawn had been cut the evening before, and I had no contractors scheduled.
I was wearing an old white sleeveless shirt, bright orange shorts, and no shoes.
It was Saturday.
I wasn't planning to impress anyone.
Then came another crash.
I ran toward the front window.
What I saw made my stomach drop.
A black Rolls-Royce Cullinan sat in my driveway.
Its rear passenger window had been shattered.
Standing beside it was Celeste Whitmore, the president of our homeowners association.
Celeste was wearing a bright orange blouse, matching trousers, and beige heels.
In her hands was a silver aluminum baseball bat.
She lifted it again.
I pushed open the front door.
"Put the bat down."
She turned.
"I warned you."
"That's not my car."
She stared at me as though I had said something ridiculous.
Then she swung again.
The bat struck the passenger-side mirror.
Plastic shattered.
The mirror folded against the body.
I pulled out my phone.
Celeste immediately pointed at me.
"Stop recording."
"No."
"You don't have permission."
"I'm standing on my own property."
"This is an HOA enforcement action."
I looked at the Rolls-Royce.
"Against who?"
"You."
"I don't own that vehicle."
She laughed.
"You expect me to believe that?"
"I don't need you to believe me."
She stepped closer.
"You have been violating the neighborhood parking rules repeatedly."
"Then issue a notice."
"I already did."
"To me?"
"Yes."
"Then why are you destroying somebody else's property?"
Her face tightened.
"Because you refuse to comply."
The answer was so absurd that for a moment I didn't know what to say.
I looked down the street.